It has been 1 year and all was gone demons were banished George was a freeman. He did good for himself. He finally became and emotional freeman without baggage and pain. He laid off the habits and made some friends he toured Europe now.
It's 3 in the morning and he's looking down the window in the streets of Amsterdam, smiles, drags the shades and lies down in bed stairing at the crack in the ceiling.
He hears a knock's in the door he awakes and goes to the door, and opens it. Looking at him long and smiling there is Kate.
"Hy George. How's the life treating you ?"
George couldn't believe his eyes. It's the same Kate a year back from John's pub.
"Goodd .... " He mumbles astonished by the unexpected appearance.
"So what am I that good looking and cant remember me or u just can't believe your eyes? Let me give u a hint your eyes are good so you can believe them. That figured out then it;s just me ... God Damn I am that good looking! "
"Now it's ... just ... " more rumbling from George.
"Ok dude u gotta stop this mumbling thing your doing, dosen't fits u ! Are you going to invite me in ? "
" Yes of course. Come on in! Sorry I'm just amazed didn't expect to see ... well you here. "
"Why can't a girl travel? Or sing outside her comfort zone? Or did u think you are the only one who made it big ? Selfish of you if u did ! And i might add is not in your style ... selfish . "
"Yes ... No ... i'm still making it out. Just woke up and saw u there knocking on my door it seemed so random yet so ... "
" Not random ? Yes when i heard u made a tour in Europe i took a little spring brake vacation and took a flight out here see how you are doing. Since John's where u where a ship wreck u came a long way. Get it that u left your demons at home? Or is the real good Amsterdam weed that makes so relaxed and at peace with yourself ?"
" No, no weed , i just exorcised the demons had a little 3 way with a priest and the demon , all well now. Happy and kicking well ... maybe singing is more appropriate."
Kate smiles enters the hotel room goes to the minibar and fixes herself a little drink. Opening the fully stocked bar. She is a bit astonished to see that no drink is touched. Takes out a few bottles mixes some in 2 glasses and gives one to George.
"Drink some is good ! My new favorite ... Long Island , extra dirty ."
"Extra dirty ... ? "
" Yeah just a fancy way of saying extra vodka in it ! "
George sips from the glass and twitches his all faces:
"Extra kicker i see ... " put's the glass down on the table and making a few steps towards Kate he couldn't stop asking himself why is she here.
"So i bet you wonder why I'm here. "
"What are u a mind reader now ... "
" No. But I'm just good a reading you. And seeing as u have a habit bruting over simple questions I thought spearing you the extra brain damage. "
"So why are you here? "
"Not so fast Georgi not so fast... drinks first !"
She looked at him and put a evil smile on her face. George gulped from the drink and looked down then searched for the couch. He felt old days , he felt the clouds gathering , and bad weather coming.
duminică, 29 noiembrie 2009
sâmbătă, 21 noiembrie 2009
miercuri, 11 noiembrie 2009
miercuri, 30 septembrie 2009
duminică, 6 septembrie 2009
A morning tale - uncut
Darker moods progressing slowly to light states of ecstasy feelings. The light slowly embraces the face as the morning sun shines up high in the sky. The music unfolds images of the night as it slows down and tells slower in the dim light the story of an array of feelings. The music gets only deeper and deeper as the light shines harder. It's morning . He rises up, a new day has come.
" Is it a good one ? " He asks himself as he leans toward his pants.
"I wonder were i have left my smoke ? "
He lights one deeply inhaling the smoke, wandering is it true. Will he ever get the feeling that nights are shorter than days ? Another inhale and the music shifts fast to a strong beat lighter thou than the ones before. Not even that darker. He smiles: "Is this the one ... ? Yes! It is ! He he, this is the tune that makes my heart go slow and fun. " He remembers that is the same song he had listen to first time when he saw her. The beats were easy, lyrics not strong but meaningful.
He goes to the window and opens it. The light floods the room and colors fill the darkened room. He smells the air as it comes thru.
The smell heighten his senses. He is sad, the powerful smell of fresh air reminds him of the long mornings in bed with her. But now they were reduced to simples "I need to go" an short after they were no more. He looks at the pedestrian's who walked to their job's, school's, or wherever they need to be, he could observe how there steps were light, they were not worried. He goes to his kitchen, to make a pot of coffee, it was long night his head was stiff. As he was making the coffee, the smell triggered flashback's of lost memories. He punched the wall it was to painful for him to remember an he felt the need to sense a smaller pain one that was not tormenting him so much. He was reduced to simple words and gig's here and there. He was decayed. Only thing making him go along was his love for the momenta. "It must be something more than this " he said to himself and then he took a sip from the cup of coffee the he prepared. "Hmmm it's bitter, just as my life is ... bitter , bitter-sweet some times. " Sun was shining already in the highest point in the sky ... it was the middle of the day . " It's noon already ? Time goes by fast. 25 of february ? " He was astonished "It's been already 3 months ... 3 months flied by me and I'm were i was 3 months before same man, same old habits, nothing changed, not me. Will i ever be the man that the others preach me i can be ? Or i will always be the screwed up guy who does everything wrong or late, mmm sometimes never ? " He took his guitar from the corner and started play random notes. Those random notes soon started forming a sweet sound ,a melody. Without even knowing he had a song, feeling the vibe he started sing lyrics, one by one, word by word, a new song was born. "Hmm this sounds good ... " He took a piece of paper and wrote down fast the lyrics. " I'll find out tonight how good are they! It's open mic @ Johns Pub, I either get lynched or applauded."
He finished to write the lyrics but still no matter how many songs he wrote or how many gig's he played, he had something missing. It wasn't her, but it wasn't the music either. Night soon layed down on the city and the lights started go on. Street by street was minute by minute, emptier and emptier. The city was going to sleep only him was starting his day. He was a night creature who hungered for something that had no name for him. He had it all but he was still to shallow to realize what he really needed. He was making his stand one night at a time. He was playing songs for lost souls, but soon that was to change, something new is about to emerge in his life . Something that should give sense to his life, something that should make him hope, something that should make him the person that it was preached to be . Getting ready for his next gig @ Johns Pub he sudden felt empty so empty he never felt before, he felt empty and unguarded, he felt naked and without defense, a strange feeling of exposure fast replaced the emptiness and he couldn't understand why. " What is the matter with me? Oh well what will be will be !" he took his guitar and left for the pub. Will this be only the shape of things to come or just a simple fear that grasped his heart he was soon to find out.
He took his keys and carefully locked the door on the way to the Pub. Slowly he was walking thru darkened and shallows streets of the city. He couldn't recall last time his chest felt this pain. And the first thing that popped in his head was the moment when he found out that she isn't there anymore available for her. Truly a sad moment for him, his muse left him in the middle of the night and he didn't saw her again. He was in love now he was reduced to songs and the demons tormenting him inside. The songs slowly gone from love songs to dark lyrics of a broken man who was carrying his insecurities one day at a time. Before he knew it he was already in front of the pub. He looked up to the sky and a tear dripped down on his chick. He slowly wipes it, it was the first time in long 3 months since he shed a tear. He was surprised he didn't feel so empty no more. He enters the pub with a nice smile on his face ready to face the public. As soon as he entered the room he felt 2 piercing eyes pointed at him. He couldn't identify who was the one who is watching him so insistently. He felt a little flustrated but he continued on. He enlisted to play the song, he was sixth after a girl named Kate.
He sat at the bar drinking whiskey rocks waiting his turn, but also looking around for the pair of eyes that was ruining his balance. After a short 6 shots of whiskey he was anounced as next in line to sing. He was for the same first time in the same 3 months nervous going on stage. He rosed his head high and he got on the stage. Pull the chair next to the mic , took the guitar and played a note, he looked at the audience after and said: " I beg the one that is staring at me since i came in to come forth or please i beg you stop staring at me. You make me feel something i haven't felt since 3 months ago. " After he looked back down at the guitar and started playing the song slowly, painfully, tormenting himself with every word in every lyric, he was punishing himself somehow for what might had occurred if he acted differently a while back. He was stopping for nothing. The crowed , they were astonished by the song, the voice, the feelings in lyrics, it was a monumental silence, everybody was looking at him and sipped every word of every single lyric it was a sold hit. Nobody was shouting and scandaling nothing he was to good. The lyrics were to deep , they were cutting in everyones heart deep and slow, they all were reminded of some experience in their past being it good or painful they were silent, only sporadic whispers were heard saying : " He is to good to be here?" / " Who is he? " / "What a beautiful song, and the lyrics they sing my heart."
Even John was astonished. As he finished the room was to astonished to react yet, they were still under the songs spell. John took the mic and said slowly with sad temper in his voice touched by the song : " Give it up for George Octron, the best i ever heard in 30 years since i have this bar.
The crowed started clapping and cheering him, screaming all as loud as they could: " Encore ! Encore !Encore !Encore !Encore !"
George was so emotioned that he shed another tear. He said in the mic : " Thank you ! Thank you! 5 minutes please so I have a drink !" John immediately brought him another shot. And he started to sing again the song, and once again the crowed was reduced to silence listening carefully to George. As he finished his second play he got off the stage and back to his place at the bar. He ordered another drink. As he was watching the others in line sing he was accosted by a girl, she looked not to old not to young either, she had and childish face and small hands. She was as tall as him and smiled beautifully.
"Hey , George nice display of emotion there."
"Thanks!"
"Is it your pain the one u play in your song? It's sad, but it's happy i think it's bitter-sweet .... "
" ... as life ." continued George
"Yes how did u know that i was going to say that ? " said the girl looking him dead in the eye.
"Somebody told me once that life is bitter-sweet but with the right person near you it can be sweet as honey and never bitter. I guess it's just a matter of perspective. Sadly i have found that person and she ran away in the night leaving me an empty shell. "
"Maybe she'll come back, keep hope alive George Octron ! Keep hope alive! " she carefully touched his shoulder and smiled to him.
She was understanding his pain. She was an empty shell as he. But he was blinded by his own demons to see her pain.He turned around to the bar to order another drink and as he turned back to her she was gone, but away in the far corner of the room he saw the woman who left him banned to happiness. He couldn't believe his eyes. He stood up and walked to her.
"Hey stranger." she said " Still singing songs about me ? Sad ones very sad ones but i can see some pieces of happiness in it? "
"It is you .... ? What are u doing here came back to rip my heart off again and the leave me down on my knees crying rivers as the pain gets only stronger and stronger? Came back to take away my last breath ? "
"No George i came back for you . I realized in this 3 months that life is only sweet as honey near you and nothing else can make my heart tick as fast as when is it near yours. You don't understand I came back to beg forgiveness, and a new start near you being away from you made me only heartsick. This heartache I carry away was gone when i was listening your song, your voice made me calm, your voice caring touched my soul a new from the first time I entered I am in the places to be."
"I wish i could but i am to afraid i will be hurt again like last times. I can't help my heart to choose to love it chooses who ever she wants and i can't hate it for this i love you, i love you so much but i don't know if i can welcome you back in to my arms, i am afraid it will be more painful than it already is i am afraid i will find myself again in the same places again and again and again and in the end the pain will be unbearable. And then what will I do ?"
" I swear my dear i'll never hurt you again , I SWEAR !"
" I lack trust in you and that is not something you gain back easily if u really want me back you will need to make me trust you again and then i'll let you back in my arms! I wish to trust you again ! I love you ! "
"Let's take it slow so u can gain back the confidence in me!"
"OK Julia , OK but keep in mind and don't brake my heart again it's to fragile to resist again ! "
As the conversation with Julia goes on in a far away corner a buzzer yells loud, as the seconds pass the buzzer yells harder and harder. It was the alarm clock . He wakes up and he looks at the window and the sun was again to up in the sky, middle of the day, he slept thru again.
" Argh, I was dreaming again . Oh life why are u doing this to me again, I could have sworn that it's not a dream! "
As he was awakened from the wicked dream he felt soar, his head was heavy, he had an unusual empty stomach. " I was dinking again last night , that's good, some of it must have been real, i gotta find out wich part ! "
He looks with hope at the table and at the cigaret's there, as he was making courage to beat the awful hang over and walk to the table to light one he heard a voice from the bathroom:
"Hey ! George , your up ? "
He was shocked his first thought gone thru his mind was : " Is this Julia ? "
"George, Hey come in take a shower u need it , quite a performance u put on last night all the bar was high screaming in disclosed pleasure as loud as they could : "Encore! Encore!Encore!Encore!"
"Hey ... sorry i don't know who U are i had to much to drink last night i don't know yet what i had dreamed and what was real! "
"It's cool George nothing happened , i don't take advantage of past out drunk people. I made u coffee and near the coffee pot u have some painkillers for your headache which I'm sure it already kicked in hard. "
"Oh thanks ! come again please , who are u ?"
"I'm Max, Max Guevera . You really should easy up on the mold it makes u do stupid things ! "
"What have i done ? Hope nothing illegal , and how did u end up at my place ? "
" Well between stalking the blondy and passing out at her door steps i've been behind u all the way i felt somehow you are bound to do a stupid thing and i decided to keep an eye on you just in case u need me to carry u home."
"Carry me home .... Jesus ."
"Don't worry I'll be out of your hair in a bit."
"No please , not yet , tell me why did u choosed to be my guardian angel last night. "
"Well then let me finish my shower and will discuss over a cup of coffee. Ok ? "
"Ok!"
He was feeling a short euphoric moment, he felt safe and happy for the first time in a long time . He had an angel on his shoulder who last night saved him. Somehow she cared for him and he felt that. Still there was the question of what blonde girl he stalked last night . He did knew any one matching the description. As soon as she walked out of the bathroom he recognized her it was the little girl who ran away from him after they changed a few lines at the bar. Was the little one who had watched him all night making him feel insecure, frustrated .
"Hey , your the girl at the bar ... "
"You go figure ... , yes i am old enough ... i'm actually 23."
"Oaaa now look who's stealing the words from my mouth "
"Well u know what they say .. what goes around comes around ! "
" Can argue with that !"
"You sure can't. So tell me drunk beauty who's the blondy ? U were one step away to get your ass handed to you by his big ass husband ! "
"Hmm surely U can imagine i don't recall nothing from last night so one less to worry about . All thou i'm intrigued how did u managed to get me out safe from his hands "
"Well i learned how to take care of me from a young age , and now that i'm older my badge helps me alot in this situation's and it helps them to from the embaressment of getting they're asses kicked by a woman. Imagine that ! "
"So u'r like a cop ?"
"No ATF but who cares. "
"No say though job u have chosen for yourself."
"Isn't all that hard. It's just putting some extra pain on the guys so that they now u'r not to be fucked with and from there on it's pretty easy."
"So tell me what were u doing in the bar ... on a mission ? "
"Yes ... i was on a mission to save ur sorry little ass who if dosen't thank me fast ill be fried ."
"Ok ... well how about breakfest on me ? "
"Oh u'r not gonna get off the hook that quickly but it's a start , 12 o'clock at Jim's dinner !"
"I'll be there!"
"U better ! I need to go to job now so ... See u later! "
As she leaned for her jacket she gently kissed him on the neck. It was so exilerating for him. He felt that a new day has truly comed now. For the first time the sun has shined in his life with a new ray of hope for his shoot at happiness.
Six years later , it is morning again ,darker moods progress slowly to light states of ecstasy feelings. The light slowly embraces the face as the morning sun shines up high in the sky. The music unfolds images of the night as it slows down and tells slower in the dim light the story of an broken man. The sound of the alarm buzzer wakes him up . It has been six years and his love story was shattered again in pieces by an unimagined end. Max was not there anymore, is been 3 months since he seen her. She was dead. A drug bust gone side ways and she was one of the casualties. She died shoot six times. Images of her grasp his mind. He remembers their first coffee. It was a hot summer noon, they were at the dinner in the corner of sixth and Bach streets, it was Jim's dinner were they had their first coffee together. It was joyful Max was telling him how he escaped from the blondes husband without being hurt. It was all Max's effort. She saved him. Looking from the other side of the street up thru the window into the dinner u could see how the two of them were a perfect match. They were giggling telling stories of past experiences, bonding. A love story in making, but who knew what a heart breaking one will turn out to be.
All he had left were the memories and all 4 albums produced that were telling the stories of their love. Broken and wounded he picked up his body from bed dragging it down the hall in to the kitchen. He poured a cup of coffee he sat a the table and started crying , it was the mornings usual. He was alone again, but this time was different he had nothing not even his music. He felt so empty, and so shattered. As he was crying at the table the alarm buzzer was crying with him , only louder and louder. After it stopped he started hearing Max voice:
"George , wake up . George honey wake up!" Slowly he opened his eyes. And there she was Max standing right in his face. He was scared, he couldn't believe his eyes. She was dead how could this be?
"George , it was just a nightmare, come on wake up i made coffee."
"Uhmm... A terrible one, i might add !"
"Come let's have coffee I'll drop you off at the recording studio on my way."
"Ok ... *yawn* oh it's so good I'm awake. "
"What did u dreamed off ? "
"A morning without you in my life ... it was so real I almost believed that u were not here anymore."
Max comes back to bedroom , he hugs him very tight and gives him a kiss on the lower lip. After that he bites it and kiss it again.
"Did u felt that ?"
"Auch , yes ... it was ... "
"Bitter-sweet i know ... so now u know i am real and your not dreaming anymore. "
His heart was racing. He felt joy. He felt alive, he felt so much better. It was a disturbing morning for him. It was 4 months since the morning he meet Max and since then they were together. Having the taste of live without her disturbed him. Since he meet Max, his life had kept on going up up hill, he got a record deal with a major label , he still plays thou his songs first time in John's pub it like a screener for him. Things looked up for him, and when they don't he always had Max to turn on for advice and comfort.
All thou he felt Max so close to him , he felt her so far to. He was feeling that it was missing out of something it was all this talk, but he felt he was the only one who was saying something. He felt misunderstood and he felt that Max was keeping something from him . He tried confronting her but didn't work it like she had this power over him, he couldn't say no, and he wanted to believe whatever she said even if deep down in him he felt like it was a lie and what he saw was the truth.
As high as he felt when he was with her, as low he felt when she was not around. He was caught in a game of commitment which torn him. He got half talks and smiley's lots of defending phrases and empty explanations but nothing that could put his heart at rest. He was unsure of himself, he was projecting it on him. His life was at a turn point. He could hang on and see where this train would take him or get off and walk alone thru the dark alleys again. In doubt, and in a sort of pain that didn't hurt but it was depressing him constantly, he didn't had the strength to stir the pot again, and neither to brake it off. He was a captive of his own heart. And he was going on with this day after day hoping, hoping for better days, hoping for the break thru that he was awaiting for. She was kept back but he was unsure what was it. George span his pain in creativity and lyrics, was a constant singer in John's pub and had even his own night, were he sang for 2h his songs , "George Octron Unplugged " was the posters sayn' . But as many songs he wrote as down and low he got. It wasn't like before and it wasn't like never. Trapped in his own brain with his insecurities and depressing days, the reign of Max was no shape of happiness for him yet. It was just a form of what could be if she was franc and wouldn't go around the corner for cheap excuses lame jokes and ambiguous explanations. "I'm not a mind reader and neither a foul she must come clean !" . And he wasn't a mind reader, but he was a good teller and he could tell when he was played bluffed or lied. But it was just the instincts kicking in they could be right wrong or part right or wrong. He had his doubts, he was sitting on a big box of guesses and a lot of contradictory explanations. He felt her cold now, warm later, seasoned in between. The moods were just too much to understand. Confusing him so much pushing him deeper and deeper. From time to time he got his head over the floating line but not for too long.
He was lost in a foreign country without a map and knowledge of the language. Confused and low he cruised the days, some happy, some under the rain. He needed a ticket to his happiness and he couldn't find the change for it. "I want to be the last man she glares at before she goes to sleep , i want to be the one she says "Good night " to and the one who says "Good Morning " first to her and gives her the sweet coffee and a rose in the early mornings. I want to be her lover, her confidant. I want to be that man. Some day, some day I'll have what my heart aches for ! Some day I'll get my shoot at happiness ! "
It is morning again, darker moods progress slowly to light states of ecstasy feelings. The light slowly embraces the face as the morning sun shines up high in the sky. It is morning again he feels the warm touch of the light on his face and slowly opens his eyes. An rather early start for him, he was back from his tour just a few days ago. It was a long 2 months without Max and he was awakened up with one thing on his mind track her down and explain why he had left for his tour without notice. He dresses up and lights a smoke while preparing coffee. As he poured water he reached for the coffee bowl and noticed that is empty, he sighs slowly emptying his lungs and after inhaling another smoke, he takes his jacket and keys and leaves the apartment storming for the corner dinner to have a cup of coffee.
He sits himself at the far corner table so he can have a good point of view over all the table area, as the waitress takes his order he sees Max entering the dinner, he had a broken arm and some scratches on her neck, he waves at her. Smiling she sits down at the table with him .
" Hey Max, how are , what happened to you ? "
"Nothing much, it's not as bad as it looks, tomorrow I'll get rid of the plaster. What happened to you? You left without saying goodbye, you just disappeared. "
" Well Max, i was very depressed, i was down, i couldn't see your face than leave, i would had been very hard."
" George we've spoken about this, what more could i tell u to make it right ? "
"Nothing Max, nothing ... what's done is done, nothing more to say, i had a rough time being out there alone, most of the time i was thinking how great would have been if you were next to me to share the moments with me. But in the end it was just the lonely sleepless nights and me. "
" ... "
" Don't worry Max. I know , I've been here before."
"Oh ... it's about ... "
".. her yes don't say the name .... i dont want to hear it again it ruined some months of my life . "
"It still hurts ? "
"Not really but the scar is still there carved deep in my heart, and next to it soon another one "
Max remained speechless for a few seconds, and after that look him straight in the eyes kissed him on his forehead and left the dinner. George gazed sadly at her as she made her way out of the dinner. He wasn't angry , just a little sad . He payed the tab and left. He walked among people on the streets aimless for a few hours thinking he is back in the same dark place missing out his life, but in reality he had missed nothing, he just lived differently for the past months. He got new habits and meet new people he was changed. Soon enough he became numb, playing mute notes on his guitar. The night felt slowly down on the city and George was back in his dark corner in the room with his guitar in his lap, playing an old song that was saying : "
Talk to me softly/ There's something in your eyes/ Don't hang your head in sorrow/ And please dont cry/ I know how you feel inside I've/ I've been there before
Somethin's changin' inside you/ And don't you know/ Don't you cry tonight/ I still love you baby/ Don't you cry tonight/ Don't you cry tonight"
He kept playn' the song over and over and over again until sun shined in the morning again. It was like he was asleep all night he felt energized and deeply sad by the last events that took place in his life. "It can be ... i cant be left alone in the same dark corner, I'm to scared, to weak, to go over this again. It this song that haunts my scars . It this song that will free me again from myself and let me be the man i used to be. I can't bear to stand alone the nights, not anymore. I have found something to love and hold, to cherish and care for. I want it back i want Max back. I want our weird relation back i want to believe that if i do my best i can take her back, she likes me she cares for me, she might love me. I must stand up now and go to her, i must go to her and apologize, and try to make things right, she gives me reason to go on , to fight , to believe that this life isn't just a gray and useless time passing , she gives me reason to keep on fighting. She is everything i have left, she's the physical reincarnation of my songs, she's my inspiration, when I'm sad she makes me laugh, when I'm down she helps me up, when I feel joy she's there near me to feel it it to and when i fulfill myself she should be there near me because she got me so far and now without her I'm lost again. " He stood there in the corner for another long day and told himself why he should be with Max.
As the sun was setting down and the light faded fast into to darkness the city lights one by one were turning on glowing in the fog that settled over the city. One by one the hours gone by and George was still in the same corner depraved of all his inspiration and will. He was falling deeper and deeper under. He couldn't stop thinking of what was Max doing , and how will she react if he appeared and sad all those things. He was afraid to talk to her, say what he really felt for her. But he hoped that if he were to confront her maybe she will respond and finally break that little shield of her. Sitting in his corner George was fighting his anger, with breaks in which he was falling asleep for a little while. But he was to haunted by the thought that she out there some where with another man who was trying to replace him. He couldn't be the ideal man if she couldn't speak with him freely and trust him.
" Is it a good one ? " He asks himself as he leans toward his pants.
"I wonder were i have left my smoke ? "
He lights one deeply inhaling the smoke, wandering is it true. Will he ever get the feeling that nights are shorter than days ? Another inhale and the music shifts fast to a strong beat lighter thou than the ones before. Not even that darker. He smiles: "Is this the one ... ? Yes! It is ! He he, this is the tune that makes my heart go slow and fun. " He remembers that is the same song he had listen to first time when he saw her. The beats were easy, lyrics not strong but meaningful.
He goes to the window and opens it. The light floods the room and colors fill the darkened room. He smells the air as it comes thru.
The smell heighten his senses. He is sad, the powerful smell of fresh air reminds him of the long mornings in bed with her. But now they were reduced to simples "I need to go" an short after they were no more. He looks at the pedestrian's who walked to their job's, school's, or wherever they need to be, he could observe how there steps were light, they were not worried. He goes to his kitchen, to make a pot of coffee, it was long night his head was stiff. As he was making the coffee, the smell triggered flashback's of lost memories. He punched the wall it was to painful for him to remember an he felt the need to sense a smaller pain one that was not tormenting him so much. He was reduced to simple words and gig's here and there. He was decayed. Only thing making him go along was his love for the momenta. "It must be something more than this " he said to himself and then he took a sip from the cup of coffee the he prepared. "Hmmm it's bitter, just as my life is ... bitter , bitter-sweet some times. " Sun was shining already in the highest point in the sky ... it was the middle of the day . " It's noon already ? Time goes by fast. 25 of february ? " He was astonished "It's been already 3 months ... 3 months flied by me and I'm were i was 3 months before same man, same old habits, nothing changed, not me. Will i ever be the man that the others preach me i can be ? Or i will always be the screwed up guy who does everything wrong or late, mmm sometimes never ? " He took his guitar from the corner and started play random notes. Those random notes soon started forming a sweet sound ,a melody. Without even knowing he had a song, feeling the vibe he started sing lyrics, one by one, word by word, a new song was born. "Hmm this sounds good ... " He took a piece of paper and wrote down fast the lyrics. " I'll find out tonight how good are they! It's open mic @ Johns Pub, I either get lynched or applauded."
He finished to write the lyrics but still no matter how many songs he wrote or how many gig's he played, he had something missing. It wasn't her, but it wasn't the music either. Night soon layed down on the city and the lights started go on. Street by street was minute by minute, emptier and emptier. The city was going to sleep only him was starting his day. He was a night creature who hungered for something that had no name for him. He had it all but he was still to shallow to realize what he really needed. He was making his stand one night at a time. He was playing songs for lost souls, but soon that was to change, something new is about to emerge in his life . Something that should give sense to his life, something that should make him hope, something that should make him the person that it was preached to be . Getting ready for his next gig @ Johns Pub he sudden felt empty so empty he never felt before, he felt empty and unguarded, he felt naked and without defense, a strange feeling of exposure fast replaced the emptiness and he couldn't understand why. " What is the matter with me? Oh well what will be will be !" he took his guitar and left for the pub. Will this be only the shape of things to come or just a simple fear that grasped his heart he was soon to find out.
He took his keys and carefully locked the door on the way to the Pub. Slowly he was walking thru darkened and shallows streets of the city. He couldn't recall last time his chest felt this pain. And the first thing that popped in his head was the moment when he found out that she isn't there anymore available for her. Truly a sad moment for him, his muse left him in the middle of the night and he didn't saw her again. He was in love now he was reduced to songs and the demons tormenting him inside. The songs slowly gone from love songs to dark lyrics of a broken man who was carrying his insecurities one day at a time. Before he knew it he was already in front of the pub. He looked up to the sky and a tear dripped down on his chick. He slowly wipes it, it was the first time in long 3 months since he shed a tear. He was surprised he didn't feel so empty no more. He enters the pub with a nice smile on his face ready to face the public. As soon as he entered the room he felt 2 piercing eyes pointed at him. He couldn't identify who was the one who is watching him so insistently. He felt a little flustrated but he continued on. He enlisted to play the song, he was sixth after a girl named Kate.
He sat at the bar drinking whiskey rocks waiting his turn, but also looking around for the pair of eyes that was ruining his balance. After a short 6 shots of whiskey he was anounced as next in line to sing. He was for the same first time in the same 3 months nervous going on stage. He rosed his head high and he got on the stage. Pull the chair next to the mic , took the guitar and played a note, he looked at the audience after and said: " I beg the one that is staring at me since i came in to come forth or please i beg you stop staring at me. You make me feel something i haven't felt since 3 months ago. " After he looked back down at the guitar and started playing the song slowly, painfully, tormenting himself with every word in every lyric, he was punishing himself somehow for what might had occurred if he acted differently a while back. He was stopping for nothing. The crowed , they were astonished by the song, the voice, the feelings in lyrics, it was a monumental silence, everybody was looking at him and sipped every word of every single lyric it was a sold hit. Nobody was shouting and scandaling nothing he was to good. The lyrics were to deep , they were cutting in everyones heart deep and slow, they all were reminded of some experience in their past being it good or painful they were silent, only sporadic whispers were heard saying : " He is to good to be here?" / " Who is he? " / "What a beautiful song, and the lyrics they sing my heart."
Even John was astonished. As he finished the room was to astonished to react yet, they were still under the songs spell. John took the mic and said slowly with sad temper in his voice touched by the song : " Give it up for George Octron, the best i ever heard in 30 years since i have this bar.
The crowed started clapping and cheering him, screaming all as loud as they could: " Encore ! Encore !Encore !Encore !Encore !"
George was so emotioned that he shed another tear. He said in the mic : " Thank you ! Thank you! 5 minutes please so I have a drink !" John immediately brought him another shot. And he started to sing again the song, and once again the crowed was reduced to silence listening carefully to George. As he finished his second play he got off the stage and back to his place at the bar. He ordered another drink. As he was watching the others in line sing he was accosted by a girl, she looked not to old not to young either, she had and childish face and small hands. She was as tall as him and smiled beautifully.
"Hey , George nice display of emotion there."
"Thanks!"
"Is it your pain the one u play in your song? It's sad, but it's happy i think it's bitter-sweet .... "
" ... as life ." continued George
"Yes how did u know that i was going to say that ? " said the girl looking him dead in the eye.
"Somebody told me once that life is bitter-sweet but with the right person near you it can be sweet as honey and never bitter. I guess it's just a matter of perspective. Sadly i have found that person and she ran away in the night leaving me an empty shell. "
"Maybe she'll come back, keep hope alive George Octron ! Keep hope alive! " she carefully touched his shoulder and smiled to him.
She was understanding his pain. She was an empty shell as he. But he was blinded by his own demons to see her pain.He turned around to the bar to order another drink and as he turned back to her she was gone, but away in the far corner of the room he saw the woman who left him banned to happiness. He couldn't believe his eyes. He stood up and walked to her.
"Hey stranger." she said " Still singing songs about me ? Sad ones very sad ones but i can see some pieces of happiness in it? "
"It is you .... ? What are u doing here came back to rip my heart off again and the leave me down on my knees crying rivers as the pain gets only stronger and stronger? Came back to take away my last breath ? "
"No George i came back for you . I realized in this 3 months that life is only sweet as honey near you and nothing else can make my heart tick as fast as when is it near yours. You don't understand I came back to beg forgiveness, and a new start near you being away from you made me only heartsick. This heartache I carry away was gone when i was listening your song, your voice made me calm, your voice caring touched my soul a new from the first time I entered I am in the places to be."
"I wish i could but i am to afraid i will be hurt again like last times. I can't help my heart to choose to love it chooses who ever she wants and i can't hate it for this i love you, i love you so much but i don't know if i can welcome you back in to my arms, i am afraid it will be more painful than it already is i am afraid i will find myself again in the same places again and again and again and in the end the pain will be unbearable. And then what will I do ?"
" I swear my dear i'll never hurt you again , I SWEAR !"
" I lack trust in you and that is not something you gain back easily if u really want me back you will need to make me trust you again and then i'll let you back in my arms! I wish to trust you again ! I love you ! "
"Let's take it slow so u can gain back the confidence in me!"
"OK Julia , OK but keep in mind and don't brake my heart again it's to fragile to resist again ! "
As the conversation with Julia goes on in a far away corner a buzzer yells loud, as the seconds pass the buzzer yells harder and harder. It was the alarm clock . He wakes up and he looks at the window and the sun was again to up in the sky, middle of the day, he slept thru again.
" Argh, I was dreaming again . Oh life why are u doing this to me again, I could have sworn that it's not a dream! "
As he was awakened from the wicked dream he felt soar, his head was heavy, he had an unusual empty stomach. " I was dinking again last night , that's good, some of it must have been real, i gotta find out wich part ! "
He looks with hope at the table and at the cigaret's there, as he was making courage to beat the awful hang over and walk to the table to light one he heard a voice from the bathroom:
"Hey ! George , your up ? "
He was shocked his first thought gone thru his mind was : " Is this Julia ? "
"George, Hey come in take a shower u need it , quite a performance u put on last night all the bar was high screaming in disclosed pleasure as loud as they could : "Encore! Encore!Encore!Encore!"
"Hey ... sorry i don't know who U are i had to much to drink last night i don't know yet what i had dreamed and what was real! "
"It's cool George nothing happened , i don't take advantage of past out drunk people. I made u coffee and near the coffee pot u have some painkillers for your headache which I'm sure it already kicked in hard. "
"Oh thanks ! come again please , who are u ?"
"I'm Max, Max Guevera . You really should easy up on the mold it makes u do stupid things ! "
"What have i done ? Hope nothing illegal , and how did u end up at my place ? "
" Well between stalking the blondy and passing out at her door steps i've been behind u all the way i felt somehow you are bound to do a stupid thing and i decided to keep an eye on you just in case u need me to carry u home."
"Carry me home .... Jesus ."
"Don't worry I'll be out of your hair in a bit."
"No please , not yet , tell me why did u choosed to be my guardian angel last night. "
"Well then let me finish my shower and will discuss over a cup of coffee. Ok ? "
"Ok!"
He was feeling a short euphoric moment, he felt safe and happy for the first time in a long time . He had an angel on his shoulder who last night saved him. Somehow she cared for him and he felt that. Still there was the question of what blonde girl he stalked last night . He did knew any one matching the description. As soon as she walked out of the bathroom he recognized her it was the little girl who ran away from him after they changed a few lines at the bar. Was the little one who had watched him all night making him feel insecure, frustrated .
"Hey , your the girl at the bar ... "
"You go figure ... , yes i am old enough ... i'm actually 23."
"Oaaa now look who's stealing the words from my mouth "
"Well u know what they say .. what goes around comes around ! "
" Can argue with that !"
"You sure can't. So tell me drunk beauty who's the blondy ? U were one step away to get your ass handed to you by his big ass husband ! "
"Hmm surely U can imagine i don't recall nothing from last night so one less to worry about . All thou i'm intrigued how did u managed to get me out safe from his hands "
"Well i learned how to take care of me from a young age , and now that i'm older my badge helps me alot in this situation's and it helps them to from the embaressment of getting they're asses kicked by a woman. Imagine that ! "
"So u'r like a cop ?"
"No ATF but who cares. "
"No say though job u have chosen for yourself."
"Isn't all that hard. It's just putting some extra pain on the guys so that they now u'r not to be fucked with and from there on it's pretty easy."
"So tell me what were u doing in the bar ... on a mission ? "
"Yes ... i was on a mission to save ur sorry little ass who if dosen't thank me fast ill be fried ."
"Ok ... well how about breakfest on me ? "
"Oh u'r not gonna get off the hook that quickly but it's a start , 12 o'clock at Jim's dinner !"
"I'll be there!"
"U better ! I need to go to job now so ... See u later! "
As she leaned for her jacket she gently kissed him on the neck. It was so exilerating for him. He felt that a new day has truly comed now. For the first time the sun has shined in his life with a new ray of hope for his shoot at happiness.
Six years later , it is morning again ,darker moods progress slowly to light states of ecstasy feelings. The light slowly embraces the face as the morning sun shines up high in the sky. The music unfolds images of the night as it slows down and tells slower in the dim light the story of an broken man. The sound of the alarm buzzer wakes him up . It has been six years and his love story was shattered again in pieces by an unimagined end. Max was not there anymore, is been 3 months since he seen her. She was dead. A drug bust gone side ways and she was one of the casualties. She died shoot six times. Images of her grasp his mind. He remembers their first coffee. It was a hot summer noon, they were at the dinner in the corner of sixth and Bach streets, it was Jim's dinner were they had their first coffee together. It was joyful Max was telling him how he escaped from the blondes husband without being hurt. It was all Max's effort. She saved him. Looking from the other side of the street up thru the window into the dinner u could see how the two of them were a perfect match. They were giggling telling stories of past experiences, bonding. A love story in making, but who knew what a heart breaking one will turn out to be.
All he had left were the memories and all 4 albums produced that were telling the stories of their love. Broken and wounded he picked up his body from bed dragging it down the hall in to the kitchen. He poured a cup of coffee he sat a the table and started crying , it was the mornings usual. He was alone again, but this time was different he had nothing not even his music. He felt so empty, and so shattered. As he was crying at the table the alarm buzzer was crying with him , only louder and louder. After it stopped he started hearing Max voice:
"George , wake up . George honey wake up!" Slowly he opened his eyes. And there she was Max standing right in his face. He was scared, he couldn't believe his eyes. She was dead how could this be?
"George , it was just a nightmare, come on wake up i made coffee."
"Uhmm... A terrible one, i might add !"
"Come let's have coffee I'll drop you off at the recording studio on my way."
"Ok ... *yawn* oh it's so good I'm awake. "
"What did u dreamed off ? "
"A morning without you in my life ... it was so real I almost believed that u were not here anymore."
Max comes back to bedroom , he hugs him very tight and gives him a kiss on the lower lip. After that he bites it and kiss it again.
"Did u felt that ?"
"Auch , yes ... it was ... "
"Bitter-sweet i know ... so now u know i am real and your not dreaming anymore. "
His heart was racing. He felt joy. He felt alive, he felt so much better. It was a disturbing morning for him. It was 4 months since the morning he meet Max and since then they were together. Having the taste of live without her disturbed him. Since he meet Max, his life had kept on going up up hill, he got a record deal with a major label , he still plays thou his songs first time in John's pub it like a screener for him. Things looked up for him, and when they don't he always had Max to turn on for advice and comfort.
All thou he felt Max so close to him , he felt her so far to. He was feeling that it was missing out of something it was all this talk, but he felt he was the only one who was saying something. He felt misunderstood and he felt that Max was keeping something from him . He tried confronting her but didn't work it like she had this power over him, he couldn't say no, and he wanted to believe whatever she said even if deep down in him he felt like it was a lie and what he saw was the truth.
As high as he felt when he was with her, as low he felt when she was not around. He was caught in a game of commitment which torn him. He got half talks and smiley's lots of defending phrases and empty explanations but nothing that could put his heart at rest. He was unsure of himself, he was projecting it on him. His life was at a turn point. He could hang on and see where this train would take him or get off and walk alone thru the dark alleys again. In doubt, and in a sort of pain that didn't hurt but it was depressing him constantly, he didn't had the strength to stir the pot again, and neither to brake it off. He was a captive of his own heart. And he was going on with this day after day hoping, hoping for better days, hoping for the break thru that he was awaiting for. She was kept back but he was unsure what was it. George span his pain in creativity and lyrics, was a constant singer in John's pub and had even his own night, were he sang for 2h his songs , "George Octron Unplugged " was the posters sayn' . But as many songs he wrote as down and low he got. It wasn't like before and it wasn't like never. Trapped in his own brain with his insecurities and depressing days, the reign of Max was no shape of happiness for him yet. It was just a form of what could be if she was franc and wouldn't go around the corner for cheap excuses lame jokes and ambiguous explanations. "I'm not a mind reader and neither a foul she must come clean !" . And he wasn't a mind reader, but he was a good teller and he could tell when he was played bluffed or lied. But it was just the instincts kicking in they could be right wrong or part right or wrong. He had his doubts, he was sitting on a big box of guesses and a lot of contradictory explanations. He felt her cold now, warm later, seasoned in between. The moods were just too much to understand. Confusing him so much pushing him deeper and deeper. From time to time he got his head over the floating line but not for too long.
He was lost in a foreign country without a map and knowledge of the language. Confused and low he cruised the days, some happy, some under the rain. He needed a ticket to his happiness and he couldn't find the change for it. "I want to be the last man she glares at before she goes to sleep , i want to be the one she says "Good night " to and the one who says "Good Morning " first to her and gives her the sweet coffee and a rose in the early mornings. I want to be her lover, her confidant. I want to be that man. Some day, some day I'll have what my heart aches for ! Some day I'll get my shoot at happiness ! "
It is morning again, darker moods progress slowly to light states of ecstasy feelings. The light slowly embraces the face as the morning sun shines up high in the sky. It is morning again he feels the warm touch of the light on his face and slowly opens his eyes. An rather early start for him, he was back from his tour just a few days ago. It was a long 2 months without Max and he was awakened up with one thing on his mind track her down and explain why he had left for his tour without notice. He dresses up and lights a smoke while preparing coffee. As he poured water he reached for the coffee bowl and noticed that is empty, he sighs slowly emptying his lungs and after inhaling another smoke, he takes his jacket and keys and leaves the apartment storming for the corner dinner to have a cup of coffee.
He sits himself at the far corner table so he can have a good point of view over all the table area, as the waitress takes his order he sees Max entering the dinner, he had a broken arm and some scratches on her neck, he waves at her. Smiling she sits down at the table with him .
" Hey Max, how are , what happened to you ? "
"Nothing much, it's not as bad as it looks, tomorrow I'll get rid of the plaster. What happened to you? You left without saying goodbye, you just disappeared. "
" Well Max, i was very depressed, i was down, i couldn't see your face than leave, i would had been very hard."
" George we've spoken about this, what more could i tell u to make it right ? "
"Nothing Max, nothing ... what's done is done, nothing more to say, i had a rough time being out there alone, most of the time i was thinking how great would have been if you were next to me to share the moments with me. But in the end it was just the lonely sleepless nights and me. "
" ... "
" Don't worry Max. I know , I've been here before."
"Oh ... it's about ... "
".. her yes don't say the name .... i dont want to hear it again it ruined some months of my life . "
"It still hurts ? "
"Not really but the scar is still there carved deep in my heart, and next to it soon another one "
Max remained speechless for a few seconds, and after that look him straight in the eyes kissed him on his forehead and left the dinner. George gazed sadly at her as she made her way out of the dinner. He wasn't angry , just a little sad . He payed the tab and left. He walked among people on the streets aimless for a few hours thinking he is back in the same dark place missing out his life, but in reality he had missed nothing, he just lived differently for the past months. He got new habits and meet new people he was changed. Soon enough he became numb, playing mute notes on his guitar. The night felt slowly down on the city and George was back in his dark corner in the room with his guitar in his lap, playing an old song that was saying : "
Talk to me softly/ There's something in your eyes/ Don't hang your head in sorrow/ And please dont cry/ I know how you feel inside I've/ I've been there before
Somethin's changin' inside you/ And don't you know/ Don't you cry tonight/ I still love you baby/ Don't you cry tonight/ Don't you cry tonight"
He kept playn' the song over and over and over again until sun shined in the morning again. It was like he was asleep all night he felt energized and deeply sad by the last events that took place in his life. "It can be ... i cant be left alone in the same dark corner, I'm to scared, to weak, to go over this again. It this song that haunts my scars . It this song that will free me again from myself and let me be the man i used to be. I can't bear to stand alone the nights, not anymore. I have found something to love and hold, to cherish and care for. I want it back i want Max back. I want our weird relation back i want to believe that if i do my best i can take her back, she likes me she cares for me, she might love me. I must stand up now and go to her, i must go to her and apologize, and try to make things right, she gives me reason to go on , to fight , to believe that this life isn't just a gray and useless time passing , she gives me reason to keep on fighting. She is everything i have left, she's the physical reincarnation of my songs, she's my inspiration, when I'm sad she makes me laugh, when I'm down she helps me up, when I feel joy she's there near me to feel it it to and when i fulfill myself she should be there near me because she got me so far and now without her I'm lost again. " He stood there in the corner for another long day and told himself why he should be with Max.
As the sun was setting down and the light faded fast into to darkness the city lights one by one were turning on glowing in the fog that settled over the city. One by one the hours gone by and George was still in the same corner depraved of all his inspiration and will. He was falling deeper and deeper under. He couldn't stop thinking of what was Max doing , and how will she react if he appeared and sad all those things. He was afraid to talk to her, say what he really felt for her. But he hoped that if he were to confront her maybe she will respond and finally break that little shield of her. Sitting in his corner George was fighting his anger, with breaks in which he was falling asleep for a little while. But he was to haunted by the thought that she out there some where with another man who was trying to replace him. He couldn't be the ideal man if she couldn't speak with him freely and trust him.
A new leaf
Turning a new leaf...
Since i started my fotoblog Luminography iw as thinking on deleting this one but then i saw a movie ... and i said, why not keep this one. So i will keep this one too but in stead of posting my shots i will post shots of words . Phrases , meaningles words all together in my one fucked up style that i used to some time ago .
And first in my mind comes A morning tale. Which i think was one of my first stories i wrote and which i will feature it here in one post all together no more 9 mind numbing parts.
This being said stay tunned for more abominations of my mind translated in to words.
Since i started my fotoblog Luminography iw as thinking on deleting this one but then i saw a movie ... and i said, why not keep this one. So i will keep this one too but in stead of posting my shots i will post shots of words . Phrases , meaningles words all together in my one fucked up style that i used to some time ago .
And first in my mind comes A morning tale. Which i think was one of my first stories i wrote and which i will feature it here in one post all together no more 9 mind numbing parts.
This being said stay tunned for more abominations of my mind translated in to words.
Abonați-vă la:
Postări (Atom)